heatherkirstina

2010-05-13T07:15:00.000-07:00

so, i've been working a lot lately. i did some over-time last week and might work over-time this week as well. i know regular people do this on a weekly basis for years, even decades but i have the hardest time working 40+ hour weeks in which i work 5 consecutive days in a row. it's nice to have weekends off. but with chronic fatigue in addition to the whole grieving process, which definitely includes exhaustion as a step and symptom, it has left me with no energy to speak of. it's especially bad when i'll work an evening shift and have to work a morning shift the next day. when i'm off at 10pm and not home until 11pm and i have to get up at 5am to be to work by 7am i'm not exactly allowed a large amount of sleepy time. i also just ran out of my adderall prescription which helps me stay alert and focused during the day and won't be able to renew it until my next paycheck since money is very tight because i hardly worked at all in april.

and don't get me wrong, i love my job. but on those days when i'm running on 3 or 4 hours of sleep and i have to drive around with danny (an autistic client who gets agitated easily and is only calmed down by long car rides in which he usually sleeps for an hour or two and screams for the rest of the ride) or sitting at the hospital with carey (a down-syndrome client who has pneumonia and just sleeps all day) it's all i can do to keep my eyes open.

all of this busy work has really cut down on the amount of time i have to do other things. it seems like when i have a morning off all i want to do is sleep in. leaves no time to make and keep a dentist appointment or to go for a jog or do some laundry. i also see much less of my friends and feel pretty isolated at times which isn't always the best thing for me. and there's this business of packing up and getting ready to move into the new house. i'm also in the relief society presidency which requires quite a bit of attention.

i'm wondering how i'll be able to survive going to school full-time as well. i feel like if i push myself too hard i'll crash and burn pretty badly. that why i think i'm going to wait until the fall before i tackle that particular challenge. get myself into the new house, into a set routine, back on medication, around friends and i think i'll be ok.

i'm tired just thinking about it.

2010-05-10T17:58:00.000-07:00

so, i'm trying not to make every post about how much i miss my mom. but yesterday was mother's day. that was really hard for me. only cried once that day in church though. so i did pretty well.i want to talk about the happy things in my life. i am moving out of my cousins' place into the cutest little blue house with a white picket fence. it's very ma and pa. the kitchen has a little breakfast nook and there's a panel in the wall that opens up and an ironing board comes down. it's got 4 bedrooms, a gas fireplace, a washer and dryer, a dishwasher(the portable kind that you can wheel around and plug into the sink) one bathroom with lots of storage, and a back deck and decent sized backyard with a storage shed. perfect for bbqs! it's also 20mins closer to work, 5 mins away from school, 10 mins from church, near a grocery store and a pharmacy and some really cool restaurants. i'm going to be sharing the house with 4 other girls. i'm getting the nicest room in the house because i'm sharing it with my friend megan for the summer until she leaves on her mission but after that i'll have my own room. it'll be so nice to have one of my best friends live just down the hall instead of 40mins away. we're going to re-upholster some old couches and paint some of our furniture to get a really cute retro/eclectic feel in the living room. i'm going to sand down and stain some of my furniture so that my bed, bookcase, cedar chest and dresser all look the same. big plans.
alyssa and i have also decided to adopt a puppy. he's a labradoodle and freaking adorable. we're going to name him cedric. megan's mom, who breeds dogs, is going to give him to us for free because she believes that animals have healing powers and that he'll help me not be so sad all of the time. we went to visit him yesterday. he is so sweet.
anyway, here's a picture of my new house! hopefully move in june 1st!

2010-04-30T22:46:00.000-07:00

this last week has been hard. i don't really feel like going out much or spending a lot of time with a lot of people. i don't answer a lot of phone calls. or reply to a lot of texts or emails. i sleep a lot. and watch a lot of prison break actually. i feel sick if i try and do too much. dizzy spells.
i miss my mom. i feel like she's always watching me. sometimes i feel guilty. like i'm afraid she can see who i really am and i'm afraid that i'm a disappointment. sometimes i feel at peace. like i know that she loves me unconditionally and finally understands everything. like i don't have to hide who i am. i think about her a lot sometimes. and sometimes i try not to think about her at all.
i was thinking about her tonight. and how every single good quality i find in myself comes from my mother. everything i like about myself. my ability to be patient. my strength.
it's hard to remember my mom before she got sick. it's hard to remember her voice, what she looked like with hair. how she was when she wasn't so tired all of the time. i find myself wishing i had written everything down. usually when i think of my mom i think about how when i had a fever she would sit on the edge of the tub and pour water down my back to bring down my temperature. even when i was older. i think about how every time i would walk by her room on my way out the door she would say "there's my pretty girl" or how when i was little i would hold her hand everywhere we went and how i would look down at our hands and wish i was taller so my arm would be straight when i held it, like hers. i remember her singing to me at night when i was very young and then later reading to me as i got older. things like the scarlet pimpernel or the prince and the pauper.
that's all i want to remember tonight. i feel like if i dive too deeply i won't come back out.

. . .

2010-03-06T02:00:00.000-08:00

sometimes when i look in the mirror at my reflection and i widen my eyes and stare hard enough my face isn't my face anymore. it's a stranger's face. with stranger eyes. a stranger with a different life than mine. happy and not hard.

momma dearest

2010-03-04T21:16:00.000-08:00

i keep putting off updating my blog for months because it seems like the only things i have to blog about are depressing and hard to think about. or they're not depressing and i feel guilty because they're superficial.
i want to blog about my mom. but what do i say? do i talk about her in the past tense, all the wonderful things she used to do, like she's already gone? or do i talk about her in the present tense and describe how weak she is and how it's hard to watch the person who always takes care of you desperately need to be taken care of? or do i talk about the future and how it will be empty without her?
i don't know what to say about my mom. except that i love her. very much.

birthday wishes and worries

2009-11-01T00:15:00.000-07:00

so much to say!!! where to start?!
1) mom is sick with the cancer again. very scary. she just had brain surgery on my birthday. luckily went very well. still worried and thinking of her always. went home last weekend to spend some time with her. brave woman!
2) got a job! at cascade christian home. it's a resident care position which is what i've done before. will get paid during all of my training which includes the training i was going to get in a nursing assistant class which now i don't have to pay for! hurray! went in for a TB test and a drug test. start on monday!
3) had a birthday. more like weekend long birthday celebration. wednesday night had friends over for a movie night. they stayed long enough to wish me happy birthday @ midnight. jamie spent the night and we stayed up until 5am watching a movie and chatting. thursday morning went diving with the boyfriend and cameron and jamie. fun to play around. hung out with dane the whole day until he suspiciously had to "run an errand". he gave me flowers! so beautiful! what a swell guy! then he took me out for sushi (it was my first time) where we met up with alyssa and cameron. pretty good stuff. after dinner we went to dane's place and played some mario party on the wii. then we decided to go get a dozen doughnuts from lafeen's and brought them back and stuck some candles in them. then we watched baby mama and fell asleep on the floor. friday i went over to dane's house thinking we were going to hang out before meeting up with cameron and alyssa to go to a haunted house. he somehow manipulated me into thinking it was my idea to go visit charlotte on the way out to the haunted house so we get to charlotte's house and turns out she had planned a surprise birthday party for me! i got there and a whole mess of people were hiding in the basement!!! it was so fantastic! we played games and charlotte made wonderful food. best night ever.
4) halloween dance tonight. went as a nerd. my mom jeans were epic.

blowing out my tasty pastry candles.

it's summer time and the living is easy

2009-09-17T21:27:00.001-07:00

so, it is very true that i've been on a bunch of road-trips this summer and haven't hardly spent a whole weekend in bellingham in quite a while. i've gone home twice - first time to watch the kids for a week and second time to get my wisdom teeth pulled. the second time around was actually quite enjoyable aside from the pain and misery and vomit. i was happy that i got to hang around for two weeks. it was pretty fun. my family's cool.

but the road-trips with friends, that's where it's at. first friendly road-trip was up to calgary, alberta with jamie, alyssa, holly, and antonio for a wedding. that's a 13 hour drive. and jamie sang and poked the whole way. spent the first night in calgary at alyssa and holly's brother's house. ran full force into a glass door at his place. very nice. went to italian for dinner, watch g.i. joe. don't do it. awful film. next day went to deer mountain or wherever the heck (or should i say hick?) the wedding was. stayed the night in a hotel. jamie tried to kill me in his sleep. the hotel had a waterslide. heck yeah. went back to calgary for the last night. return trip home took 16 hours because we got pulled over by a cop (holly's car wasn't insured. stupid) and checked out a cool suspension bridge. pretty fantastic trip overall.

two weeks ago i went to whidby island with jamie, alyssa, eden and daniel. fun day trip. we went over deception pass (which by the by, did you know that if you drop a bowling ball off of the bridge at deception pass that it will shatter when it hits the water because it is that high up?! I must "aquire" a bowling ball. . .) we went to this old military fort called fort casey and checked out the creepy old buildings and lighthouse. then we played for a bit on a beach. had a war with kelp. climbed up this bluff to check out where this one white dude (can't remember his name) was beheaded by indians. then we walked along downtown something. . . (can remember the name of the town either) and had some ice cream. then we went to this inn that the one white dude built and took a tour. very cute little place. want to stay there someday.

then, two days after that little day trip, i went up to vancouver with jamie, alyssa (again. geez. i must love these kids), eden, daniel, will, juliette, carly and emily. we walked around stanley park (where i got a stupid parking ticket. why do you have to pay to park at a park?!!) and then got some greek food. we went to the grandville island market (equivalent but to pike's place in seattle but 10 gazillion times better) and goofed around at some of the shops and this awesome little playground that had teeter totters and a tire swing. then we went and saw 500 days of summer and this monsterously large theater called the colossus. it must be mentioned that 90% of this trip was spent utterly lost in downtown vancouver, or on the highway, or anywhere basically. it was a little ridiculous.

THEN last weekend i went camping with alyssa, eden, daniel, michael, peter, carly, holly and april up near mt. baker. i hate everything about camping so much that it's moderately enjoyable because i'm amazed at myself for even camping in the first place. we had some kind of meat something for dinner. it was supposed to be a tinfoil dinner with meat and veggies but ended up being a large meat patty. pretty gross. eden, april and holly didn't stay the night but the rest of us slept (or didn't sleep. i can' sleep on hard ground. grrr) in this huge 12 man tent. the next morning, daniel made us hot chocolate and oatmeal. very yummy. it was basically to butter us up because then he made us climb up a sheer mountain. daniel's kind of a jerk. but i made it and we played in a glacier lake for a while. very beautiful. we've been having a lot of bonfires this summer and it seems as if my clothes will forever smell of smoke because later that day we finally went down to teddy bear cove to swim in the flourescent water and have a bonfire on the beach. (side note: let me tell you, i love the beach. i love living near it. i do not however love getting sand in every article of clothing after you go swimming. uggh.)

and tomorrow i'm headed out on a trip to rexburg with jamie, alyssa, eden and michael. should be a blast. not really sure why we're going or what we'll do there but i'm going along for the ride. planning to stop by the parental's house on the way home to be fed and to say hi. pretty excited.

speaking of trips. . . lucy! you've got some packing to do!

tribute

2009-09-01T01:24:00.001-07:00

maybe it's just the pain meds talking but i am feeling particularly tender towards the people in my life who make me happy, make me better. who fill my life with laughter and knowledge and compassion. who make me come out of myself to discover myself. and i want them to know that i don't take them for granted and love them dearly.

i love my momma and her unconditional love and because she picks me up EVERY time i fall. i love daddy and how he fixes everything and makes me feel safe. i love jacob and stephen and how sometimes they can be normal guys. i love taija and that she lets me be silly and be smart. i love kyle and how everything he says makes my heart glow.

i love charlotte. very much. and how she knows things that other people don't know. and how she gets it. i love aynna and old times. i love alyssa and jamie. and eden cause she frolicks. and dan. and megan. and little sarah. and cameron. and peter. and ginger. and aaron. and robbie. and steven reid for being random. and loren for being sweet. and cousin mikey and cousin tim. and amber and lance. and april and her robbie. and stephanie. and steve sievers for being amazing. and daniel. and lichelle. and cassie.

and you. i love you.

don't mess with china dude. they invented fireworks.

2009-08-02T22:13:00.000-07:00

so the famdamily came for da visit. twas fun. lots of fun.

yorks are out and about on the boat this week so i'm getting me some quiet time in. planning to read until my eyes bleed. hoorah.

went to canada last night with the friendlies for the festival of lights. got lost, got a headache, got greek food. had some laughs (big belly ones and high screamy ones), had some adventurous crowd encounters, had some good convos (of both the deep and shallow variety). saw me some mind-blowing fireworks, saw a vicious momma raccoon and babies, saw stephen reid try to flirt with the ladies.

good night. very good night.

i'm a weekend warrior

2009-07-24T11:47:00.000-07:00

my family is coming into town this weekend. have mix feelings (mostly good mom, i swear). they are getting into town tonight and i'm pretty excited to see kyle man. no real plans tonight except hanging out and catching up. tomorrow i'm going to take them around bellingham and show them around (this should be interesting because i'm still not super confident in my sense of direction - in downtown especially). going to show them the bay, maybe we'll go check out teddybear cove. take them to mallards for ice cream. there might be an outdoor moving showing in fairhaven.
taking them to church with me on sunday. going to take a break and hang out with a boy who's also coming to visit me for a bit on sunday afternoon. then we're having a family dinner and some of my friends are coming over to meet the fam. pretty excited about that.
monday morning we're all going to seattle to go to a mariner's game and check things out. then i'm going to bring kyle and taija back to bellingham with me while my parents hang out in seattle with jacob for a couple of days while he gets some eye surgery done.
i'm going to take kyle to the lake to go swimming and take taija downtown to do a little shopping. her birthday is on tuesday so i'll have to make her a cake or something.
anyway, driving them back to seattle to meet up with my parents on wednesday.
should be interesting. hopefully fun.
oh, i think that's kyle on the phone now. apparently he's excited.

"yeah, you do!"

2009-07-11T12:28:00.000-07:00

so i've been a busy woman this last week. i've been painting the basement everyday getting ready to move in. unfortunately, now some friends of the york's will be moving in downstairs instead of me but i really don't mind so much because all of my stuff is will finally be unpacked upstairs and that's really what i have been excited for. no more bags or boxes!

i've been going out at night bit this week which has been fun. or mostly fun. on tuesday i went to a girlie night with some girls in the ward. we chatted about girlie things and painted our nails girlie colors and watched a great movie. on the way home, i got pulled over by a cop for going 33 in a 25. he asked me if i had been drinking. nope. he asked me why my eyes were so red. because it's 2am? he made me follow his finger with my eyes. he asked me to walk a line. he asked me to take a breathalizer. aced it. he sent me home without a ticket and just told me to slow down. most exciting thing to happen to me in months. on thursday night, had plans to go to a comedy club with some friends but after i got my ticket, found out that it was sold out and some of the people we were with couldn't go in and had been looking forward to it for a while. alyssa and i gave up our tickets and walked around downtown while everyone else stayed at the show. we went up to this bar at the top of the tallest building in bellingham (14 floors) and had a shirley temple, then walked around some more. got hit on alot, especially by a random creepy guy swinging around a bamboo cane. . . after all that, i got invited to go dancing at a gay club for 80's night. that was definitely interesting. then we went to another club and it got even more entertaining. best part when a drunk chick dumped her whole drink down my back. i was wearing a shirt that said "i look good in purple" and had drunk guys yelling "yeah, you do!" at me all night. uh huh. last night i went to a bonfire and today i'm having lunch with alyssa and later tonight i'm going to an outdoor movie showing of kung-fu panda and a late night hiking adventure to teddy bear cove to see the flourecent water.

like i said, busy.

we are the world, we are the children

2009-06-25T22:01:00.001-07:00

maybe i'm just silly and nostalgic but i actually cried a little when i had heard that Michael Jackson died of a heart attack this afternoon. i feel like something good is over, like some part of my teenage childhood is gone.
and yeah, the guy's character was a little shady and put to question but i think he was a musical genius. his music has fueled many a fantastic dance party and has energized many a long road trip.
so here's to MJ! i tip my hat to you and give salute to your musical domination and philanthropic endeavors!

we are the world, we are the children
we are the ones who make a brighter day
so let's start living

dysfunctional? you got it.

2009-06-24T22:33:00.000-07:00

so i've been home for almost a week. really suprised that i lasted this long. i came home to keep an eye on my siblings while my mom's in utah for the week and my dad is at work all day. they're all teenagers so you'd think they'd be able to handle life on their own but they'd kill each other if i weren't here (and have still tried while i am). my 18 year old brother and I especially have been at odds. i've even kicked him out of the house the past two days in a row because it's gotten so out of hand and i just didn't want to see his face. i've almost been pushed to the breaking point with him and a couple of times have contemplately slow, drawn out murder or at least ditching out and returning to bellingham early.

but on the bright side, i've gotten to spend some time with old friends and i love that. i've already visited the finley ghost (for old times sake), been up the the windmills (my favorite thing ever), gone longboarding (my other favorite thing ever), been to a dustdevils baseball game and a fireworks show, swam at two-rivers park and seen the new transformers movie. went to a movie night with friends tonight. ran into people i haven't seen for years.

it almost makes the whole trip worth it.

i never know what to put up here. it's a little ridiculous when more thought goes into your title that into your actual blog. . .

2009-06-17T18:43:00.000-07:00

so, waiting sucks. a lot.

i'm going home tomorrow for a visit. i've packed everything and i'm ready to go BUT i still have to take two finals tomorrow before i leave. biology and english. i've got to turn in my huge research paper too. so, can't really skip out to go home when i feel like it. lame.

i am really excited to see my kitty girl. haven't seen her in two months and i'm embarassingly worried that she won't remember me. silly. i'm also excited to see my friends. i miss steve and lichelle a lot. and stephanie too. excited to see kyle. i've been on the phone with him everyday and he's planned out a date for us. we're going to go to two-rivers park for a picnic and swimming, then we're going to go home and play "batman and robin" on the playstation (yes, i closet game with my little brother. . .) and i think we're supposed to get walmart's popcorn shrimp some time in there too. he's also decided that we need to convince our dad to take us to see the new transformers movie. . . yeah, we'll see how that goes. charlotte will be in town too and it'll be fun hanging out with her even though i get to see her up here whenever i can. my mom's going to be out of town though. she's gone down to utah to visit family which means i'll be the substitute taxi driver while i'm in town. i don't mind too much. . . yet. on my way back up to bellingham i'm stopping in seattle to help with a friend's nonprofit organization. i guess i'll be walking around downtown seattle barefoot asking people to donate shoes to send to people in keyna. should be pretty epic.

i really like bellingham, it's beautiful and i'm starting to get to know some really great people but really, there's nothing like home. i am missing out on a rockin' 80's dance though which i hear will be pretty fantastic and an outdoor showing of "the wedding singer" in fairhaven. sad day.

bug bites on top of sunburns

2009-06-05T14:35:00.000-07:00

can i please just take a moment to say that my mother is incredible? she's so patient and understanding and always knows how to make me feel better. momma, i love you.

so, haven't really done much updating lately. my bad. i've been living with the yorks for a couple weeks now and i absolutely love it. it's so nice to be around a great family atmosphere and i'm having a blast because they're all just a hoot. kind of dangerous to eat around though, i usually end up choking on my food from laughing so hard. michelin and tim are hysterical and i love it whenever amber comes to visit. she's so fun. i love them dearly for taking me in and giving me such a wonderful place to live!

so, i'm almost done with school for the spring quarter. it's been great. i actually really enjoy being back at school even with all the work and i think i've done better than i've ever had before. i'll hopefully pull in a 3.9 this quarter. i've given up on the 4.0 since i can't do the extra credit for biology (donating blood) since i've been selling plasma when i can which'll make my grade an A- instead of an A. BUT hey, a 3.9 is still pretty fantastic. i've signed up for summer classes. well, just one. i'll be taking the certified nursing assissant class (which is ALL day long) but that means that finding a job and the end of the summer will be million times easier.

i've made some new friends in the ward, mostly girls. a bunch of us are going to the highland games tomorrow. it's like a huge scotish festival with bagpipe bands and dancing and food. i'll take lots of pictures!

i miss seeing charlotte everyday but we've still got to hang out and i'm so glad that she's around. i'm also glad that i'm feeling much more comfortable driving around town and that i don't get lost half as much as i used to. things are looking way up finally and as tight as money is (and as stressed out as it makes me) i'm pretty darn happy with my life at the moment. so hurray!

Unmask the Masquerade

2009-05-23T15:31:00.000-07:00

I wish we could open our eyes

To see in all directions at the same time

Oh, what a beautiful view

If you were never aware of what was around you.

-Death Cab for Cutie

How interesting it is to notice that when we watch a motion picture or look at a photograph, we are limiting ourselves to a completely square vision - that we can only see what the creator intended us to see - trapped within the parameters of a square frame. A camera can not capture peripheral vision nor can it give a true sense of reality; a camera is limited. Much like a camera, we also limit ourselves to seeing without experience. Ignoring our peripherals, ignoring the details around us, we go through life focused on a very conventional picture in a very conservative scheme. We essentially live without living.

According to Annie Dillard, "there is another kind of seeing that involves a letting go", to become an "unscrupulous observer", to see "truly" and "return to [our] senses." While Walter Percy refers to it as a "sovereignty" over experience - "an openness to the thing before one" - it is as unique and individual an experience as the person for whom it manifests itself. Ownership or release, it does not matter. This way of seeing can not be universally pigeonholed into the "ultimate experience" nor can it be specifically classified into any stereotype or category. It is that surreal adventure that simultaneously disconnects and interconnects, leaves you out-of-body while resonating within your body. It is seeing and being seen. It is give and take. It is share and share alike. This affair can only be reached indirectly or by complete accident for it is not a cheap commodity. Dillard expounds: "The secret of seeing is, then, the pearl of great price. Although the pearl may be found, it may not be sought. It comes to those who wait for it, it is always, even to the most practiced and adept, a gift and a total suprise." Like a blind girl seeing a "tree of lights" for the first time, "just as the exile or the prisoner or the sick man sees the sparrow at his window in all its inexhaustibility", like a man's first discovery of the Grand Canyon - treasures, untold and unseen, lie in wait to reward those who have their eyes open and quiet the noise.

I have only "seen" once but I am young and I am confident I will see again. The magnitude and zeal of my single venture is carried around with me daily - a little mysetery snuggled safely in the corners of my mind.

A family vacation took me to the Oregon Coast the spring before my first year of college. My grandmother had asked us to stop and take pictures of every lighthouse we came across to be added to her rustic collection of could-have-beens. With family drama and teen-angst running high, I was frustrated and bored of treasure hunting for kodak moments - each quaint edifice resembling the one before. As my family took yet another tour of yet another architecturally fascinating lighthouse, I found myself wandering alone down an obscure gravel path shrouded in a tunnel of moss-covered evergreens. After walking a ways, the path ended abruptly at the edge of a cliff with an old-fashioned, three rung wooden fence as the only barrier between land and air:

Undefined - it's the tentative feeling that grips my body as I grasp the soggy wooden fence with both hands, praying it will hold me up, and cautiously put my feet on the bottom rung trusting it to hold all my weight. I can feel the dark forest around and behind me, standing out in deep contrast to the soft colors of the ocean, like the looming stare of a stranger in the shadows. Looking down, my stomach flips with mingled feelings of pleasure and fear. My heart leaps and dances with the wind as it thrashes about my face, whipping my hair in all directions and leaving my scalp tingling with the movement. I can see the jagged cliffs where upon a single misstep or the failure of a single section of fence and my life could be ended forever. Goose bumps rise leaving miniature hills and valleys across my pale skin. The blue foamy water hundreds of feet below crashes violently against the vicious rocks. My body strangely aches to join the waves in their dangerous game of leapfrog; the white crest of each wave, a little child jumping over his playmate, unaware of his fatal direction. If I strain my ears I can hear them laugh, the children. Each burst of glee grows dimmer as it echos and ricochets off the inside of my skull. I tighten my hold on the wood beneath my hands as, slowly, I breathe them in and sigh them out.

An electric charge sharpens the air. A sudden change! There is water in the wind now and the first drop, a lonely pilgrim, lands on the back of my right hand - a second of dead calm before I am ransacked of my heat from a murderous mass of his diamond-sharp brethern. Resigning to moisture, my eyes lift and desperately search for the children of the waves, their laughter long gone and replaced with the thundering patter of God's angry tears as they drive me into the ground. The children have gone. They have been driven away by the claws of the beast, whose dark form moves beneaths the water as the waves, menacingly curling and reaching, threaten to grab hold of me and drag me under. His ugly head breaches the surface and each wave, larger than the last, is surging up, raising him skyward. I can see it. I can see his face. His mouth is wide and gaping, a blackhole from the abyss, promising to swallow me whole. With an effortless flick, Posieden's tongue wraps around my ankle and wrenches me from the fence. The deafening roar of the ocean tide is silenced as I feel every drop of water in my lungs, choking me, killing me, freeing me. My heart is thudding in my ears keeping tempo with the symphony in my head. I feel like I've been here before - like I've always been here - like I've never been here. A single tear, as salty as the ocean air, slides down one frozen cheek. The wind is carrying its muted tune of terror as I am dying and I have never felt so alive. I close my eyes. Darkness, come here kind friend! Engulf my body and my mind. Let me rest here in your embrace, forever.

I am stilled.

My ears burn as all sound comes rushing back and I gasp in surprise. My heart slows from its tenacious gallop to a brisk cantor as I regain my footing and feel the slimy wood beneath my hands. I am flooded with overbearing light as I open my eyes to see the crest of the sun-ablaze peek through a lowly cloud bank. The single tear is joined by others as an incandescent ray of sunlight caresses and warms my rain battered cheek. A solitary gull flies overheard, a fellow lone ranger battling the storm, calling out to me with a perceptive cry. He knows. As he vanishes into the horizon so does my fear, so does my little child. I have been jarred into living. The moment is over and I have not been left unchanged. I feel infinite. I've accidentally discovered a secret and I'll keep it as long as I can.

I stepped back onto the wet ground and turned away from the water, the tide, the cliffs. Turned away from my release. I put my frozen hands deep into the pockets of my sweater and walked back up the gravel trail. I did not look back. It would not be the same ocean I saw a moment before. It would not be my ocean.

if i threw a pity party, i wouldn't even come.

2009-04-28T16:49:00.001-07:00

maybe today's just a bad day but i feel like i'm in everyone's way or that i'm not doing anything right. maybe it's because i have an exam coming up in biology and it's the one class i have to work hardest at because i'm not that good at biology. i don't like feeling dumb and it gets me all frustrated. then i'm frustrated because i can't find a job and that makes me feel irresponsible. then i feel irresponsible because i haven't got much money and that just makes me feel desperate. then i feel desperate because i haven't made any friends up here yet and that makes me feel sad. then i feel sad because i'm imposing on the few people i do know up here.
so many feelings can wear a girl out.
warm fuzzies, won't you come out to play?

it's funny

2009-04-23T14:05:00.001-07:00

it's so obvious why mother nature just had to be a woman.
she is so fickle.
it was warmish when i left for school this morning. . . so i didn't bring a sweater. i got hailed on today while i was leaving school. i had to turn the heater on in my car because i was freezing and wet!
i get halfway home. . . and it's sunshiny and warm outside again. so i had to turn on the AC.
ah, mother nature. a woman after my own heart. . .

gruel

2009-04-21T15:22:00.000-07:00

i have three papers due tomorrow. i don't really know why my teachers hate me so much . . .
it's not too bad though. i've already written my post-lab report for biology (with pictures and tables and everything!) and a 3-page critique of an essay about science vs. religion for english. so, that just leaves the 3-page summary of an essay on bio-engineering technology. . . saved the best for last. . . ha.
i also have a student internet search and evalutate project due thursday for bio and an exam in math.
upside? friday's a free day. no school! hurrah!

born free - taxed to death

2009-04-15T19:56:00.001-07:00

i was driving home from school today and wondering why the traffic was so backed up. turns out there was a protest going on that i didn't know about. it took me close to 20 mins just to travel 5 miles. there were about 250-300 people on either side of the street waving flags and holding up signs in protest of government spending. gee, if i had known about it earlier i would have totally joined in.
next time. . .

pretty

2009-04-09T15:43:00.001-07:00

charlotte took this picture at one of the fields of daffodils. i really like it.

wherefore art thou edward? part deux

2009-04-07T23:16:00.000-07:00

i got home from school today and was busily doing my homework (as a good girl should) when the house phone rang. i ignored it. it went to voicemail. i heard just a second of gutteral frustration before the person on the other end hung up. i laughed. not even ten seconds later it rang again. it must be someone i know who knows i'm here and that i'm ignoring the phone. . . it must be charlotte. i got up and answered it. it was charlotte. she was screaming in excitment, "I WAS LISTENING TO THE RADIO AND THEY SAID THAT THE CAST OF TWILIGHT WAS FILMING AT THE RIDGE THEATRE IN VANCOVER RIGHT NOW!!! LET'S GO!" so, charlotte and i embarked on our second search-and-stalk party in the last two weeks to find edward cullen. i tried to do some homework in the car but that was a no-go. we got into vancouver and found the theatre. didn't look like anything special. no security, not props, no lighting equipment. there was a mcdonalds next door and i hadn't eaten in 24 hours so we stopped off for a bite before we harrassed the theatre employees.
let me just tell you, canada is whack. the mcdonalds was gross. they only served about 50% of the food that they normally do in the u.s. and they have this thing called the mac wrap which is a snack wrap filled with all the fixin's of a big mac (beef patty included. . .) uggh. the menu board looked totally different and everything was twice the cost. the food was awful. i mean, mcdonalds is not gourmet cooking anyway but this was worse than the school lunches in middle school. i'm afraid i've walked away with some sort of food posioning. . . yuck!
anyway, after eating we went over to the theatre and charlotte timidly (we're kind of embarrassed that we act like 14 year old girls sometimes. . .) asked the girl working the counter if the cast of twilight was actually filming there. nope. they filmed there yesterday! thwarted again!
so, we came home and i had to catch up on homework. i've just now finished.

alice in wonderland

2009-04-05T16:46:00.000-07:00

charlotte's friend rachel came into town this weekend. we had a blast! on saturday we had lunch at this great little cajun place called bayou on bay. i've never had cajun food before. it was so good! (why have i wasted time being picky all these years?!) it was sunny so we also went to check out the tulip festival. i guess it goes on throughout the whole month of april. we drove out to these huge fields where there were supposed to be a bunch of tulips but they hadn't bloomed yet. we did find large fields of daffodills though which were beautiful. we went to this little place called tulip town. it was very cute. it reminded me of kissing town from the tv/film the 10th kingdom. (charlotte knows what i'm talking about. she's a fellow nerd at heart) good weekend! i like spring.

i start school tomorrow. i'm stoked. i'm all ready.

wherefore art thou edward?

2009-03-31T14:11:00.000-07:00

on friday charlotte and i decided to take an impromptu trip to across the canadian border to vancouver, b.c. in search of the cast of twilight (one cast member in particular . . .) because we heard rumor that they were filming around that area. after a unpleasant encounter with a grumpy border patrol officer (who just couldn't believe we would be traveling to downtown vancouver just for fun with no real planned destination) we eventually found ourselves amisdt all the tall buildings (that were all strangely close to the same color) our eyes peeled for his particularly distinct copper bouffant. we walked around town just checking out the sights. there was a street festival that was being set up but we couldn't see what was what underneath the white tents. we did a little shopping. we ate at an irish pub for lunch. yummy! after spending a couple of hours desperately searching (more like pleasantly ambling) we decided to give up. we didn't find edward cullen but we had so much fun!

money and mitigation

2009-03-26T19:27:00.000-07:00

i went to this new student orientation today over at WCC. i met with this guy named david who's in charge of finding ways to finance schooling for students getting a professional/technical degree. so, i might get away with not having to pay even a penny for my schooling. i guess people think that the world really needs more nurses. he told me about a ton of grants and programs where they're just dying to pay for everything. i can even get my prerequisites paid for. i can get my books paid for. if i can also qualify for finacial aid i can get a large portion of my living expenses paid for. oh, happy day! he also told me where i can get my CNA training for free and that i might also get a job out of it.
anyway, i bought the last book i needed while i was at the school today. i had to buy 5 books just for three classes just for one quarter! ridiculous. i better get ahold of that government money soon. . . ha. i got into the biology class i needed. that's good. i'm a little worried though. i have my mitigation hearing for my speeding ticket on the 14th of april at 8:30am and that class starts at 9:30am. that'll be cutting it close and i don't want to miss anything. i suck at trying to play catch up and that's a tough class. i'm probably going to have to call the courthouse and reschedule!
so, i miss talking to my family a little bit. my phone gets NO reception out here. charlotte's internet isn't working so hot and her house phone goes through the internet so i haven't been able to call home very often. i try to call whenever i'm in town but that's usually in the morning after i go to the gym and everyone's at work or school. i feel very disconnected to what's going on a home. it's rather frustrating. i mean, i hardly ever heard what's going on with them when i lived in the same house and now i hear just next to nothing.
having a hard time making friends in the branch too. just because the guys don't talk to me. i get furtive glances i suppose but they don't say anything. the girls just ignore me completely. they just must be intimidated or something. . . still. . .
i just want school to start. it'll get better when i actually have something to do.

school

2009-03-16T19:44:00.001-07:00

i registered for classes at whatcom cc today. i'm on a waiting list to get into the biology class i need but i got into the right english and math classes. so, if i can get into biology i'll be taking 15 credits. that's a crap lot. i tried to schedule my classes in the morning so i can work in the afternoon/evening but it didn't really work out that way. my first class is at 9:30am and i don't get out of my last class until 2:30pm. bummer.

greet the brand new day

2009-03-09T11:32:00.001-07:00

i went to bed at 3 am last night. the light was off at midnight but i just couldn't sleep. my mind was full of daydreams. that's the problem. daydreams are for daytime.
i woke up this morning as planned at 730am so i could go to the gym. i have a new found appreciation for the muscles in my middle because my belly has visibly begun to get flatter. so, rain or snow, i wanted to make it to the gym today. it had to be snow. of course it did. there was already a good inch and a half out. as i was walking down the riduclously unnecessarily steep and slippery driveway, i fell. hit my hip pretty darn hard. there's already a large scrap and a bruise is beginning to blossum. no biggie. i'm in pain and i'm freezing but i will be skinny! so, i spend a good five minutes clearing the snow off my car in nothing but some warm-up sweats and a hoodie, get in and begin the perilous journey down the freaking mountainside and onward to a new and satisfactory body image.
i get out to the highway without incident but not even 5 miles down the road i see flashing red and blue lights behind me. he caught me at 71 mph in a 60 mph zone. i was only going 11 over. it's not like there was a bunch of snow on the road. it's a highway. i give the officer the whole "i'm new around here" line but he doesn't bite. so, i've been slapped with a ticket for $144 for driving recklessly in bad weather conditions. i've heard you can pay for tickets in monthly payments? i'm obviously going to need to look into that.
anyway, i get to the gym. charlotte's waiting for me. we go in. the hot guy who works there is up front and overhears me talking to charlotte about my morning full of bad luck. he sympathizes. right on.
we lift some weights. we run some cardio (i've had more energy for cardio this morning than any other morning leading up the this point. i must have still been pretty pumped with adrenaline.) we go tanning. all and all, not so bad.
i decide to go to the bank after we're done. i've got that check to cash, that account to unfreeze, that money order to send. i get to the bank (in the most round-about way possible. it's those one way streets, i'm telling you!!!) and i've forgotten the check at home. of course.
so, i head back onto the highway to go back to glenhaven but by now it's snowing so bad that i have to go 15 mph and i pass an accident every couple hundred feet. takes me an hour to get the the exit i need. another 30 mins to get to charlotte's neighborhood. i almost get stuck 20 times going back up the stupid mountain (why matt and charlotte decided to live on mt. everest is beyond me. . .) but i make it to the house.
BUT i still have to make it up the dreaded driveway from hell. i almost have to crawl on my hands and knees to get to the front door. i make it.
now, i'm hiding in bed. i will not go aside for anything. the greater forces that be apparently have a problem with my great desire to be thin.
never fear! that is what exercise dvds are for!

the weather outside is frightful

2009-03-08T10:53:00.000-07:00

i got all ready for church this morning and when i got outside i saw all the snow. i hate snow. i cleared off my car and started driving to church but i only got about a .25 mile before i started spinning and ended up facing the direction i had come.
needless to say, i'm not going to church today.

marching bands of manhattan

2009-03-05T22:51:00.001-08:00

i got kind of stir-crazy today and i needed to leave the house. i decided to drive into town and learn my way around. check out all that bellingham has to offer that i haven't seen yet. i know some basic roads and exits off the highway but i hadn't driven around downtown by myself. it's great. i found a cute little bookshop in fairhaven. i found another library. i found a park by the bay. i saw a lot of little clothing shops and neat restaurants that i want to try out someday. it got kind of confusing because downtown has a lot of one way streets. i don't think we have a single one-way street in the tri-cities that i've ever seen. there may be one or two in richland actually. anyway, it was really fun. i liked driving around just listening to some chill music and looking around.
that empty envelope that VVH sent me finally got here today. hopefully the bank will take it and i can unfreeze my account tomorrow. i'll probably go look around town a little bit again while i'm out and about.

supermassive black hole

2009-03-03T10:55:00.000-08:00

i'm really frustrated. i started a savings account at a credit union up here. they let me start it with the condition that i bring in a peice of mail that had my name with my new address on it. i brought in some mail that my mom sent me. wasn't good enough. it has to be typed with a computer. so i asked if i brought in my final paycheck if that would work. she said yeah. but when i got it in the mail the address had been written on the envelope. so i had to call VVH yesterday and ask them to send me an empty envelope that had my new address printed on it. so, i have this paycheck i can't cash until that gets here. i need to get a money order so that i can send my parents some money in the mail for cell phone bill and car insurance. i can't do that either because my account is frozen until i can prove that i actually live where i say i do. lame!!!!!!
job searching is pretty tough too. i find these jobs that i would be perfect for and nobody calls me back. it's so competetive up here. i've just got to find something soon! I'm stuck in limbo until i find a job and until i start school. i need to know what my class schedule will be so i can tell employers when i'm able to work. i need to know what my work schedule will be so i can sign up for institute and plan things ahead of time. i'm going to try and go home in april for two days because my friend sara is getting married. i want to meet up at camp zerahemla in a couple weeks with some friends from back home. i want to keep going to the gym but i don't want to get another monthly pass if i end up not being able to use it. i want to renew my first aid/CPR certification. i want to do all these things but i need to know what my schedule is!! grrrrrrr!!
anyway, on a lighter note. i helped charlotte paint one of the walls in her house. (charlotte actually did most of the work. after painting for three weeks straight at vista i was kind of burnt out) it's this gorgeous blue/gray/lavender color. it's such a beautiful accent wall. she's got good taste. i really like it.
i went to FHE last night. we made 72 hour kits. nobody really talked to me but they stared at me a lot. it was kind of awkward. the only people that did talk to me were girls. i mean, i would smile at the boys and everything and they would smile back but look really shy. i must be intimidating or something.
it was big deal for me though. i'm pretty shy when i don't know anyone and i was really proud of myself for going because i knew it was going to be tough. i talked a little bit with this girl meghan who seemed pretty cool. she's working at a place called "the catnap inn". it's really close to where i'm living and it's like a fancy boarding house for cats. i told her i was looking for a job and had some experience in that area. she said she'd put in a good word for me especially since she was leaving and there'll be an empty position. let's hope she follows through.
it's week two of the work outs from hell. i really really did not want to go this morning. i figured that i needed to. not only because i want to have awesome abs but because i'm a grown up and i have to get up and face the world whether i want to or not. if i can give up on the gym i can give up on school and i don't want to do that again. so, i was at the gym bright eyed and bushy-tailed at 830am and kicked butt. it's nice that i don't get super duper sore anymore. i'm getting into the swing of things.
anyway, i think i'm due for a shower. stinky stinky.

we all float on

2009-03-02T08:06:00.000-08:00

if someone says something to me before i go to sleep i always dream about it. kristen and austin, matt and charlotte's friends (who i really enjoy) came over last night for dinner. we were just talking about weddings and kristen happened to sarcastically mention that she thought that the storm that ruined charlotte's outdoor reception was super scary and was going to kill everyone.
so, what do i dream about last night? a huge scary storm that hit my house in the tri-cites. i kept running around the house trying to get everyone to put their important papers (birth certificates, driver's licenses, passports, phone numbers) in a ziplock baggie and put it in their jackets in case the whole house flooded and we started floating out on the ocean. I ran into the garage and pumped a bunch of air into the old black tire innertubes so we would all have something to hold onto. there was no place i could put my cat so she wouldn't drown and i remember being really sad.
then i woke up. it's silly how i do that. so, be careful what you say to me before bedtime.
anyway, i think charlotte's ready to go to the gym. grrrrrr. i'd say that i'd rather go back to bed but who knows what i might dream about next?!

it's 52 degrees!

2009-02-27T13:46:00.000-08:00

i've been blogging on here almost everyday thinking that my mom would be reading it and telling my family what's up since i don't talk to them daily. ha, apparently not. she forgot i even had a blog. eh, whatever. i guess i'm just blogging for my own benefit then.
so, charlotte and i have been hardcore at the gym. we've gone everyday for the past 4 days. it's getting easier and i'm not as sore. i'e been great at the diet thing too. got right back into the flow of counting the points of what i eat. since i won those 10 free tans charlotte and i have been tanning twice. my freckles are already multiplying all over my face. sigh, it happens.
the heat in the house stopped working last night. it was cold! and the basement is even colder. lucky i have a space heater. the guy came to refill the propane tank today but i have no idea how to actually turn the heat on and matt and charlotte are a work so i'm still freezing.
i'm trying to do laundry. the washer and dryer are so small! i can only wash like three towels at a time. it's taking a while. my favorite dress got a grease stain on it from some garlic bread charlotte and i had at that greek restaurant on monday. i can't get it out and it makes me sad!
aynna had her baby yesterday. that's exciting.
trying to think of anything else new.
oh, charlotte's having a house warming party tomorrow. lots of cleaning and cooking to do. (no cooking for me! her guests would probably all get sick!) but i'm sure i'll need to help out with the cleaning. fun stuff.
AND i think that's it.

eye of the tiger

2009-02-25T10:53:00.000-08:00

i hate charlotte because i am sore. (well, no. i love charlotte because she's wonderful and helping me get in shape. i just hate being sore.) i fell down the stairs twice yesterday because my knees gave out on me. i had to take a crap-load of pain pills just so i could sleep. i am completely depressed at how out of shape i am BUT i am very proud of myself for going back today and doing it all over again. go me! just don't ask me to bend over and pick anything up or move too quickly.
it's snowing outside. it's very pretty but i thought that we were over the whole winter and snow thing. grrrr. i want warmer weather!!!

greek and guts

2009-02-24T09:20:00.001-08:00

i got to hang out with charlotte for most of the day yesterday which is pretty rare since she's working a lot. she went with me to start a savings account at the bank. we went to "deals only" which is my new favorite store. groceries for CHEAP cause the cans have been dented or the boxes a little squished. got lots of good stuff and didn't spend more than $20. then we drove around bellingham a bit so i could learn my way around. found a library (HURRAY!) but it's apparently closed on mondays so i'll have to go back. we ate at a greek restaurant for lunch. i've never had greek food before. i tried some spanakopita. it was filo bread stuffed with spinach and feta cheese. i actually really liked it. i had souvlaki for my main dish. it's marinated lamb on a skewer with yummy rice and greek salad on the side. greek salad is mainly tomatoes so i wasn't loving that so much but i did love the souvlaki. we had tiramisu for dessert. yum yum. then we went to this miss whatcom county silent acution thing that charlotte volunteered to help with. i won a monthly guest pass to charlotte's gym and 10 free tans for only $12. yeah!
so, we went to the gym this morning and i got my butt kicked. i never ever ever workout and trying to keep up with charlotte who's in good shape was HARD! we did legs today. i can't even walk up or down the stairs at her house now. gosh dang. and 30 mins of cardio without stopping is rough after you've beaten your legs to jello doing split squats. i'm going to get back into weight watchers again too. charlotte's had all my material so it's already up here. i will wear a bikini this summer! i will!
so, yay for trying new things.

he aint' heavy

2009-02-23T12:17:00.000-08:00

went to the single's ward yesterday. i was late. (only because i had to park two blocks away. they need a larger parking lot!) i had to sit in the front. kind of embarassing to sit in the very front when you're late and you're new but it made me pay attention. Someone from the stake high coucil spoke. he was talking about love. he said some interesting things. he said that love is the only invisible thing that you can see and feel. it's the only thing that the more you give the more you get back. he quoted my favorite neil diamond song, "he ain't heavy. . . he's my brother". i always always cry when i hear that song. always. have you heard it?

"if i'm ladden at all
i'm ladden with sadness
that everyone's heart
isn't filled with the gladness
of love for one another"

some of these musicians have it so right. the beatles?

"there's nothing you can do
that can't be done
nothing you can sing
that can't be sung
Nothing you can say
but you can learn to play the game
it's easy

nothing you can make that can't be made
no one you can save that can't be saved
nothing you can do
but you can learn to be you in time
it's easy

nothing you can know that isn't known
nothing you can see that isn't shown
nowhere you can be that isn't
where you're meant to be
it's easy.

all you need is love"

for some reason, my heart is full of love today.
for you.

and lastly, bob marley.

"light up the darkness"

spread your love kids. it's infectious.

stuffed full of more than just ice cream

2009-02-20T20:36:00.000-08:00

i'm sick.
went out and bought some dayquil AND some nyquil.
a quart of dryer's rocky road.
and some puffs tissue WITH lotion.

i'm addicted

2009-02-19T16:35:00.000-08:00

took the test. i did exactly how i thought i would. got 100% on the reading and comprehension test. all that reading paid off. you can't test of out any reading classes though. i was one point away from being able to test out of the highest english/writing class. and math? i sucked. i knew i would. i haven't taken a math class in 5 years and i never use anything but basic math in real life. i remember learning all the stuff on the test but i couldn't remember how to do it.
so, looks like i'm taking elementary algebra to play some catch up. ah well.

what do you take for that?

2009-02-19T09:57:00.000-08:00

had job interview yesterday. went pretty well i thought. i guess they're interviewing everyone that applied. i should know within a week and a half to two weeks what the virdict is.
i have a stuffy nose, a sore throat and a headache. it just showed up yesterday evening. didn't get much sleep last night because i couldn't breathe. i have that test today.
complete torture. for four and a half hours! not a big fan.

so i did me some talking to the sun

2009-02-18T10:04:00.000-08:00

i've got a job interview this afternoon with sears. i know i said that i absolutely did not want to do retail. bright side? this is only part-time retail. and if i get it i'll only be a cashier instead of management. running the cash-register was my favorite part of working retail. i won't have to be a sales associate and help people find and try on stuff or restock and organized stuff. nope. just run the register. i won't have to be in charge of anything either. which is ideal. i just want something relatively easy to do for a couple of hours after school. so, eveyone! cross your fingers! i don't think it's going to get much better up here. it seems like the only other available jobs are in fast food and i refuse to lower my standards that much!
i've scheduled the assestment test i need to take for school on thursday. it's supposed to take 4 and a half hours. gosh, i hope not. anyway, you're supposed to get your results right afterwards so i should know right away which classes i should register for. i think i'm going to try and make an appointment with an academic advisor either friday or early next week just so that i am as smart about my class schedule as possible.
oh, i don't know if anyone watches "the bachelor" but jason kicked off jill last night. friggin' idiot! jill's been my favorite since the beginning of the season. sad day!
anyway, wish me luck!

i'm here!

2009-02-15T18:23:00.000-08:00

got here safe. hurray! long drive but it was worth it. charlotte's house is beautiful and lucy mae and i have just settled right in. basement is a little cold but that just makes snuggling under the covers that much more enjoyable. the room is a lot bigger than i thought it would be. and it is so great to have my own bathroom!
i've just got to start learning my way around. need to start a bank account. find a local library and get a library card. get all registered for classes. check out a couple leads on some jobs.
miss my family but i haven't gotten homesick yet. i don't really think i will.
i've got this.

junk in the trunk

2009-02-11T12:19:00.001-08:00

nevermind. there is no boy.

goodnight sweetheart. well, it's time to go

2009-02-10T22:54:00.000-08:00

i'm moving this weekend.
yay!
and there's this boy. . .
super yay!
but i feel like i'm jumping through hoops for him and i'm not used to it. i never have to do the work. probably why i always date degenerates. eazy peazy.
tons of stuff left to get done.
tired with fragmented thoughts. i apologize.
i want some hot chocolate.
and to not have to work tomorrow.

l'amore

2009-02-02T13:53:00.000-08:00

finally starting to get everything figured out. finally.
i've gotta say, i don't deserve the friends i have. charlotte has been asking around to borrow a truck from friends to come down here and help me move stuff up. i mean, seriously? are your friends this fantastic?!
i told my dad about it. about how she's willing to help me. the guilt trip worked. now he's demanding to go up there with me. he's still probably going to be grumpy the whole time but it's something. so, now charlotte doesn't have to borrow a truck but since she's coming down anyway this next weekend she can take some boxes up with her and i don't have to stress about whether or not i can fit everything in the back of my car or the back of my dad's truck. and it ensures that there'll be room for kyle. he wants to come up so badly with us. you know, see where i 'm going to live and everything and then go back with my dad.
figured out how money is going to be handled too. such a relief.
so, now all i have to worry about is tying up loose ends.
oh, and i showed my mom how to work the web cam on her computer so that now we can do video calls over the internet when i'm gone. i had to walk her through it at least 5 times. oh, that very tangible, very real generation gap! kyle's pretty excited too because he wants to be able to say hi to lucy mae.
i feel bad that i'm coming up on valentine's day. i'm taking my dad away from my mom (not like he's big on celebrating away) so i planned a date for them. they're going to go out to dinner on the 13th instead. beat the rush. my dad'll like that. i'm insisting that they make a reservation at P.F. Chang's because my mom LOVES chinese food and it's a pretty cool place. i also feel bad for intruding on charlotte and matt so dad, kyle and i are going to make ourselves scarce and checkout the town for a bit that night so that they can go out. gotta show kyle the puget sound. he'll love it.
had my last sunday in the branch yesterday. it was totally weird. i've been back for two years so i've pretty much seen everybody else come and go. gonna miss some of those kids.
anyway, i'm hoping it'll be clear skies until the 14th. can't handle anymore stress.

underhanded sucker-punch. nice.

2009-01-31T18:03:00.000-08:00

i have to admit that i'm kind of a control freak. kind of. i like to think that i can be flexible. most of the time. maybe not. i like things to be the way that i set them up to be.
so, my dad's decided not to help me move. not to come up with me. this morning he decided this. two weeks before i'm leaving he decides to change the plan. it's just too expensive to drive up in his truck. not worth it. he doesn't want to have to rent a room. yada yada yada.
he's offered instead to just send me up with a hundred dollars to find some used mattress set at some second hand store. yucky. that's just one thing i just don't want to buy used. next to underwear, of course.
so, trying to be openminded and rolling with the punches here i say "sure. fine. okay, but i'm still not going to have room for all of my stuff in just my car. could you come up with the red car and bring up some boxes?" he doesn't want to give up his whole weekend. the car won't make it. we're back to not wanted to rent a room (no one told him he would have to by the way. charlotte has a room and so does our cousin mickey)
so, he suggests i rent a uhaul which i totally don't have money for. added to the fact that i don't know if my car could pull one. and i've never had to try and drive with something attached to the back of my car over a very dangerous and weather-ravaged mountian pass. . . IN WINTER.
you know, it's not lost on me that he spent hundreds of dollars to fly down to georgia to watch stephen graduate from boot camp but he won't give up two days to help me move a couple hours away.
apparently i'm going to get to know the meaning of minimalism very well.
thanks daddy.

bill and ted's excellent adventure

2009-01-29T07:27:00.000-08:00

i feel like i have senioritis. you know, like in high school when you were a senior and you just wanted to be done with school and you were lazy and just ready to move on to the next big thing?
just a little over two weeks left. a time machine would be an excellent thing to have right now.
can't you buy those online?!

has he found his calling?

2009-01-24T10:27:00.000-08:00

i took my little brother to work with me today. he had an absolute blast. loved all the animals. helped me give a couple baths, feed them, water them, walk them. he kept saying "i love this job! i love this job!" he thought the wet dog food smelled like chili and he demanded that we have some when we got home. every couple of minutes he wanted to check on the dogs to see how they were doing. he weighed himself on the doggie scale. he's a whopping 91.6 lbs. he saw the room where "lucy mae" my kitty had surgery and he wanted to know where they kept her afterwards. he helped me do laundry and wash dishes. he checked out all the exam rooms and the x-ray machine. we shoveled snow and he was racing me to see who could be the first one done. he's such a little chatterbox.
fun day.

hypnosis?

2009-01-21T22:24:00.000-08:00

so, reality tv is addicting.
do they make a gum for that?
or maybe a twelve step program?

waves of envy

2009-01-16T18:38:00.000-08:00

now that my hair is getting really long i can do a lot more things with it. it's halfway down my back! i did this really cute double french twist today. very audrey hepburn.

i've gotten really into headbands now too. they're so cute! especially when i do the whole "beach bum" wave thing.

i've gotta say, i'm really proud of myself for having self control. i haven't "cut" it since feburary of 2007. i've gotten trims of course and added layers and bangs but i haven't cut off any of the length in almost two years. that's a long time.

i still going for that "catherine zeta-jones" look. you know, in the mask of zorro? where antonio banderas cuts off her shirt in peices and her hair is long enough to cover up what's important? yeah, on the very off chance that a ridiculously handsome masked spanish man decides to shred my shirt with a sword i will be ready.

in about a year an a half.

i win

2009-01-13T21:01:00.000-08:00

so, i've started hiding money around my room. out of sight, out of mind right? i'll find it all again eventually since i'll be packing everything up. i NEED to save. i'm being sorely tempted to spend all my little extra money considering i don't have any jeans that fit me and i have this crazy infinite need to own cute dresses. i've vowed not to spend a single penny that i get from Karma for babysitting Becca a few times a week and not to spend anymore money than i HAVE to from my bi-monthly paycheck.
just doing the basics. car insurance, cell phone, rent and gas. gotta make up for buying a new laptop. i'm gonna need money to get up to bellingham and to tide me over until i get a job. i've got back-up money for emergencies that i don't want to touch. can't touch really. it's quite a large sum but will totally be obliterated if my car falls apart so that just better not happen. i've got quite a large amount for school too so i'm feeling pretty safe finacially which is wonderful.
some friends don't get it. if living at home gets hard why haven't i moved out months and months ago? i know myself pretty well. i know that i need that personal security that comes with having finacial stability. i worry about everything. i don't want to worry about money too. So, it has taken me longer that i would have liked it to but i can finally leave my parent's home knowing that i will never have to move back, knowing that i have the means to stand on my own two feet without anymore help. it's very liberating.
it feels good. i don't own a credit card. i haven't and won't go into debt. i own my own car. i'm doing pretty well. i'll admit that i've struggled with keeping track of what's in my checking account in the past but i'm being proactive and now i only deal in cash. makes me think real hard about what i'm buying before i buy it cause parting with cash is a lot harder than swiping a piece of plastic.
so, finacial stability. check.
and for the record, living at home isn't horrible. i just butt heads with my parents occasionally cause it's hard being an adult living at home with rules that you don't agree with. and the fact that stephen's been home has made things difficult but not horrible at all. and i don't want anyone to think that i don't love my family. cause they mean the world to me as much as i complain about the little things.
just for the record.
cause i know mommy reads this every so often.
hi mom.

yay yay yay yay!

2009-01-12T18:29:00.001-08:00

got my new computer. absolutely love it!
it's so shiny.

put on your sunday clothes when you feel down and out

2009-01-07T20:06:00.000-08:00

so i've realized that i don't have many friends left anymore. it's not upsetting really, just kind of sad. i mean, i have a couple good friends. great friends actually. but i don't have any casual friends anymore.
it's enlightening in a way i guess. i used to put all this effort into my casual friendships with people in the branch. i would invite people over. i would call someone if they seemed upset or stressed. i was always out doing something with someone. but lately, i've just been tired. and lazy. and i've realized that no one has made the effort to invite me over or call me because i seemed stressed or upset. which begs the question, why am i always the one who puts more into friendships than the other half?
i like spending time alone. i like spending my nights reading a good book.
but not every night.
so, i can't wait to move. because i can make new friends. and i won't have an overhanging resentment towards them because they forgot about me when i needed them. and although i haven't forgotten the friends i have here i don't think i'll dwell too much on our fizzled friendships when i leave.
i'm used to being a one-woman show. it gets lonely sometimes but i think i subconsciencely keep it that way. explains why i'm always single. i can't depend on anyone else to make me happy. i won't.
so, bring on this new adventure with new characters and a new setting. i'll take you all on.
i am so ready.

crazy cat lady

2009-01-07T17:58:00.000-08:00

so, i took my kitty in to get spayed and declawed today. poor girl.
i don't think anyone completely understands how much i love this little animal. she is my baby.
i thought i might cry when they put her under. animals look all floppy and dead when they're about to go into surgery and it bothers me anyway so seeing her that way made me feel so guilty and sad. didn't cry though. the surgery went well. i got to be there when she woke up. they put her in an incubator for a while so i couldn't touch her. when she was up and moving around they moved her into a regular kennel. she was so cute. she kept trying to stand up but she was still pretty stoned and her back legs were trapped under her and her front paws had big ol' bandages on them so she wasn't very sucessful. She kept getting really frustrated and so she started hissing and meowing at herself. silly girl.
i didn't know that she's supposed to stay overnight. i don't like that and i don't understand it. no one's going to be there. I think i might go over and get her and just take her back in tomorrow morning to get the bandages off.
i miss her.

aromatherapy is amazing

2008-12-30T20:14:00.000-08:00

i feel very accomplished this week.
i bought a laptop.
i returned overdue movies to the library.
i applied for admittance to whatcom community college and got in. (everyone gets in so it's not a big deal. it's just a big deal that i'm registered so early)
i called the apple company and found out how to fix my ipod.
i made an appointment for tomorrow to get the oil changed on my car.
i wrote my offical letter of resignation to vista veterinary clinic.
i sent my resume to a couple of places in bellingham that had advertisements on craigslist.
i finished a book.
and it's only tuesday.
thank you, thank you, thank you very much.
i bought an aromatherapy candle yesterday. for stress relief. it's basically my new favorite thing.

body odor is never a factor with me

2008-12-25T13:03:00.000-08:00

are you dirty? cause if you are, i've got just the stuff for you.
i got three bath sets. in peppermint, pomegranate, and vanilla rose.
AND two gift cards to bath & body works.
i guess girls my age are hard to shop for. it's cool. i will smell good FOREVER.
wish i didn't have to work today. . .

movies like "never been kissed" and "can't hardly wait"

2008-12-22T20:40:00.000-08:00

Charlotte tagged me. So here goes:

I am: picking out what music/movies i want on iTunes. i won a $60 gift card last night at my work party. hurray.
i think: that brownies sound really good right now.
i am happy: that things are coming together nicely.
i have: great friends, a good family (even if they're slightly crazy) and a precious baby kitty who snuggles with me all night long.
i miss: best friends, old friends, old room mates.
i fear: that i'll be too scared to actually live my life. i'm afraid i'll miss out on something amazing.
i feel: like whatever i write lately is written really well.
i smell: fresh kitty litter and febreeze
i usually: fall asleep reading a book
i search: for things that make me feel happy
i wonder: how bad the roads will be tomorrow and whether or not my car will make it
i regret: saying things. doing things. not doing things. not saying things.
i love: playing the piano. feeling accomplished.
i care: about a lot of things. my family, friends, politics, the planet, my future.
i tell: meaningless stories. i have a story for everything.
i worry: that i'll get too used to being alone and shut people out
i'm not: perfect. i'm a perfect mess.
i remember: how great cliche 90s romance movies are
i believe: that i can do anything
i sing: to myself. in the car. in my room. in the shower.
i don’t always: say what i should. or think through things.
i don’t like: being told how i feel or what to do. i'm stubborn i guess.
i write: prose. in my journal.
i win: apples to apples. every time.
i lose: money. i hate that.
i dance: when i'm alone.
i wish: i could travel all over TOMORROW and not have to wait until i finish school.
i never: make the first move.
i listen: to all kinds of music.
i don't understand: you.
i can usually be found: in bed with a book
i'm scared: of bears and sharks. Of being eaten by a large animal.
i need: go to bed
i forget: little things.
i tag: mandi and shelly

happy things that christmas brings

2008-12-19T09:21:00.000-08:00

so, charlotte's buying a house. i'm so happy for her! so exciting.
she said i could come live in her basement. not for forever but for a while. that'll help me save. we're still working out things like rent and bills and whether or not my kitty can come live with me but i think that this'll be a really good thing. i could not be more excited!
so, officially my last day of work will be on feb. 10th. that's the end of the pay-period and just a good time to finish. i'm going to move up on the 13th or 14th depending on whether or not my dad has that friday off. i'm going to need him AND his truck to get up there. i'm hoping it'll all fit cause i really don't want to rent a u-haul. i'm going to wait and buy whatever furniture i need when i'm up there. i just need a dresser and a desk. a bookcase too. i don't know how i'm going to get whatever i buy from wherever i buy it to charlotte's house. i'll probably have to enlist the help of my cousins. i'll cross that bridge when i come to it i suppose.
anyway, i've got to find a job a.s.a.p. when i get up there. get to know the town and my way around. sign up for classes at the community college. meet the people at church. it'll be fun.
so, by the summer i should be established enough to look for some room mates and a new place to live.
plans have changed a little bit but in a good way.
i'm so glad. charlotte's a saint. i can't believe i'm finally offically moving out. it's been two years. i've been back with my parents for two years. uggh. it's definately time.
so, i'm also really excited for christmas because my mom let me pick out everything i wanted online at amazon.com. i'm getting a bunch of books, a cd, some piano music and the audrey hepburn movie collection. and now, come to find out, the cancer center gave our family's name to an elementary school in north richland and they bought a ton of presents for everyone in our family. i guess they talked to my mom and asked her what everyone needed or wanted. i can't believe how wonderful people are!
we do the silbling exchange every year where we draw names and see which of our siblings we get to buy a present for. i got taija this year. i bought her a great gift. she's always talking about how much she wants to travel (i wonder where she gets it from. she's like a mini-me sometimes) so i found this book called "the travel book". it's a good 4 inches thick. it has information on every country in the world. what you should see while you're there. what you should eat, what you should listen to, what you should watch, what you should read. it's so cool. i might have to go back to barnes and noble and buy a copy for myself.
i have to work christmas day so i won't get to see her open it. i've asked my mom if we can do the sibling gift exchange on christmas eve. she's going to love it so much. i can't wait.

brain stretches

2008-12-08T12:32:00.000-08:00

i'm reading again.
since i'm all caught up on lost.
i have a reading list. it's got all these classics on it that i've heard so much about.
so, i went to the library and stocked up on "semi-dry but completely wonderful once you get into the flow of the language" classic novels that should keep me busy for the next little while.
"the scarlet letter" by nathaniel hawthorne
"adventures of huckleberry finn" by mark twain
"the red badge of courage" by stephen crane
"billy budd" by herman melville
AND
"cry, the beloved country" by alan paton
i wish i were in a bookclub. that would be awesome. i've read quite a bit of books this year that i would love to share with other people and i can never turn down any recommendation on a good book from someone else. maybe i'll try and start one up in bellingham if i meet some cool people up there.
if you know of any good books let me know! i'll definately return the favor!

they're yummy, dummy!

2008-12-04T16:19:00.000-08:00

i made cookies yesterday.
i mean, not just cookies. . . but absolutely the best cookies ever made by anyone anywhere! pat myself on the back. i'm not so good in the kitchen so making a wonderful batch of cookies is a big deal. i kind of feel like a lamer getting all excited about some cookies when my friends are all amazing cooks. i mean, charlotte's going to open her own bakery shop which kind of puts my talent to shame. . .
but i still gotta say, these are great cookies. the greatest.
peanut butter with heath toffee and milk chocolate chunks. positively sinful.
i took some to work and everyone loved them.
saved some for tonight. having a boy over and appearing to be domestic is always helpful, right?
i'm just a regular "heather homemaker" . . . or is that "heather homewrecker"?
another one of daniel's nicknames. . .

shopping no longer painful

2008-12-01T15:27:00.000-08:00

okay. for a while i was convinced that this whole things was all a fluke. that i could fit into a size three at old navy only because they made their sizes large like american eagle does BUT i totally fit in a size three at target too.
and at the gap.
and at the buckle.
and at zumiez.
so, for all of you who are secretly unhappy for me because you have insecurites just like everyone else. . .
you can't use the excuse that "she bought jeans at a store that runs their sizes big just to make people feel good" anymore.
i also bought another dress today. i've been ridiculously into dresses lately. cute little shift dresses and party dresses and vintage dresses. i think it's what makes me look forward to going to church. cause i get to look super cute.
so hurray! new dress for sunday.

planning plans and celebrating victories

2008-11-30T10:57:00.000-08:00

this is me updating my blog.
cause apparently people read it and have noticed that i haven't written in a while (said with total love. i promise)
work is good.
home is good. well. . . home is fairly decent.
nothing very exciting has happened. no new boys to speak of.
pretty much just keeping my head low, working a lot and anticipating the move.
it's offical. i'm moving in feburary. going to live with charlotte for a couple of weeks until i get a job (i'm not really that picky. just something that'll make money and hopefully doesn't have to resort to being retail or food services. . . so i'm a little picky) and a place to live. i've decided that i want to try and find a house to live in with a couple people. preferably wicked awesome people. don't care if it's guys or girls (which really bothers my parents) and hopefully already furnished so i don't have to go out and buy very much furniture. it's a college town so finding room mates should be a snap. i've already started looking on craigslist. scoped it out a bit. i'm excited.
did you know there's a clinic up there where you can go to harvest your own human eggs and they will pay you $2000?! you have to take a fertility shot every day for four weeks and then they go in with a needle and take a couple eggs right out of you. sounds so painful but it's $2000. that's a lot of money and i'm not using those eggs. i get rid of one every month so i might as well give them to someone who can't have kids or something. it's like surrogacy or adoption but i don't have to take it that far. i think i could do it. you have to pass a bunch of tests though. blood tests and psychological tests. and you have to know a lot about your genetic family history. they may not take me because i've been adopted and i don't know my family's medical history. i'll look into it some more when i get up there.
anyway, i can't think of anything else. . .
oh, wait! i've been watching "lost" from the begining. it's taken me a couple weeks and i'm only through half of season three. i'm hoping to catch up before season 5 starts in january. it's super addicting!
and i've been pretty good at keeping the weight off that i've recently lost. i've been staying around 130 but today i got on the scale and it said 128. which is awesome. i'm hoping to lose another 8 pounds before i move. it's really exciting to be able to buy pants in a size 3 and wear shirts and jackets that are smalls. i cried my eyes out at old navy in the dressing rooms when i put on a size 3 and they actually fit. and they're even a little loose so i've taken to wearing a belt with them. it makes me so happy. i could have a really flat stomach finally if i just went the extra mile and did a bunch of sit up everyday. guess that'll be my new year's resolution. i've lost some weight up top too. i'm a C cup instead of a D cup and that's AMAZING!!
all things considered, i'm the happiest i've been in a really long time. i probably haven't been this content since before puberty. ha. it's nice to get rid of things in your life that are weighing you down. body fat, insecurities, finiancial worries, unproductive friendships, those mean ol' boys.
things are really good.

it's my birthday!

2008-10-29T18:23:00.001-07:00

and it's a good one.

smellybelly man

2008-10-26T20:55:00.000-07:00

i love spending time with little man kyle. just listening to him talk makes you realize how simple life should be instead of how complicated i've made it.
we made "ironman" sugar cookies together this week. we cuddled in my bed while he was sick and watched "phantom of the opera" together (amazingly enough, it was his pick) and tonight he came in and sprawled across my bed (like he does most nights) and played with me and kitty while he told me about the new lunch cart at his school, about the primary program at church, about the metal spacer device in his mouth (coming out december 4th!) and how he swears up and down that he loves me the bestest of everyone in the whole entire world.
god love him, he's wonderful.

frank's redhot buffalo wing sauce

2008-10-18T18:47:00.000-07:00

i got on the scale we have at work today.
129.6 lbs.
haven't been in the 120's since freshman year of high school.
yeah baby.
i'm rocking hard at this weight loss thing.
so of course i had to celebrate by eating buffalo popcorn chicken.

snuggle dryer sheets and pumpkin pie

2008-10-11T09:08:00.000-07:00

i've had a really rough week. like the worst. so bad that i don't even want to talk about it except to say that it was absolutely awful BUT i'm recovering. little things are making life okay. making it liveable.

i had chai tea this morning and it always helps me start my day off right. i sat down and drank it without thinking about anything except how wonderful it tastes. very theraputic.

i hung out with some friends last night. helps me forget about me for a while.

i have the whole weekend off and i'm planning on napping for most of it.

i finally (after ten days of waiting) get to make my amish friendship bread tomorrow. i am so excited.

my kitty is so cute. i love to watch her play with the sunbeams that are coming in through my bedroom window.

i read a really good book, "the perks of being a wallflower" and i think i might just read it again before i take it back to the library.

dairy queen is now selling pumpkin pie blizzards for three bucks. i have three bucks left to my name until payday. fate? it must be.

i washed all of my bedding yesterday. i love falling asleep to the "freshly washed laundry" smell.

life is going to be okay.

are you ready for the great deception?

2008-09-29T21:57:00.000-07:00

i hate it when guys mistake "just being friendly" with "i want to date you". granted, i know that it is next to impossible to read someone's mind but honestly. it's not just the creepy guys, it's all guys. a guy can be really great but you're just not interested. or a guy can be really cute but you're just not at a point in your life where dating is at the top of your list (like yours truly) but they automatically assume that because you're being nice to them that you want to date them and some of them even have the nerve to tell you that they don't want to date you when you were never looking for a date in the first place.

i almost wish that people had little neon signs above their head that let you know what they've been through or what they think of you. sadly enough mine would read "i was raped and consequencely have major trust issues with men and dating is too hard for me" and then maybe all of this miscommunication wouldn't be a problem anymore. it's hard to take people where they are when they won't give you the same common curtesy. admittedly, people not understanding my trust issues is understandable because i don't have that neon sign above my head and that's when assumptions come in. and i don't exactly tell everyone i know absolutely everything i've ever experienced.

i think i need to stop trying to make myself date. i'm not ready and i can tell. i expect things to go badly from the begining and look for anything i can to sabatoge the relationship. i have little faith in men and my expectations are too high.

still, it's nice to be liked. i'm fickle like that. but things would be better if i kept my head down until i was ready. i've just been asking for trouble, trying to be with guy after guy hoping that'll solve things. it doesn't. it hurts things.

READ MY MIND. I'M A BASKETCASE.

ruby the copycat

2008-09-18T19:26:00.001-07:00

i've had a myspace for a while. since the begining of my senior year of high school. cause i'm cool like that. there's an "about me" section you fill out. . . about yourself. obviously. here's what mine says:

"My name is Heather but I don't look like a Heather. I'm messy. I'm not a good cook but I like to try. I'm smart and I generally like school. I don't really know what I'm doing with my life. I have lots of freckles on my shoulders and on my face. I like to brush my teeth in the shower. I wear a lot of dark colors. I like to eat dry top ramen. I hate being judged but I can be judgmental. Don't judge me, hypocrisy is a common disease. I can't shave my legs standing up. I can't mix flavors when I use toothpaste, floss, or mouthwash. I have a very short attention span. Very short. I'm scared of bears. The movie JAWS made me cry. From fear obviously. I wasn't sad the shark died. I like grape juice. I have a grape juice dance. I'm usually an introvert. I am cynical. I'm big into movies. I am quite often sarcastic but never serious. My car often falls apart. I like big t-shirts and old jeans. I wear glasses. I don't like it when people touch my feet or my neck. I feel naked without a watch so I guess I like being naked cause I don't wear one anymore. I could be really good at a lot of things if I actually applied myself. I love wheat thins. I can whistle but not very loud. "

clever right? and informative. i was hoping for unique too UNTIL i was perusing facebook (another social network site) and noticed that my sister had a facebook. what? so i requested to be her friend. honestly, it was mainly to keep tabs on her and she what she was up to. i like to snoop if the oppurtunity becomes readily available. . . and she's not very bright when it comes to lying (she does it all the time but has yet to perfect the skill. not saying that i possess that particular skill. . . me? of course not) and sneaking around. why would you add your sister when you know she could look at everything you're doing? she asks for it. she really does. anyway, being the curious and slightly vindictive person that i am (this could be good blackmail material later) i go to read her "about me" section which reads:

"My name is Taija I’m 15 but I look younger. Im messy. I'm not a good cook but I like to try. I play the piano. One day i want to learn how to do gymnastics. My best friends are amazing. I don’t need anyone else to make me happy, I’m happy with who I am. I love learning new things. I try to be possitive. I'm smart but it doesn’t seem like it.I get good grades. Im learning how to do parkour but im not very good at it. (it's harder than it looks) My favorite color is Pink. I love to laugh. I brush my teeth in the shower. I love dry top ramen.I have a very short attention span. I hate being judged but I can be judgmental. I’m scared of getting in trouble again and losing my parents trust. I'm terrified of waterfalls and cliffs and I hate spiders and grape juice! I am quite often sarcastic but never serious. "

i'm sorry. i'm not the only one that thinks it sounds vaguely familiar am i? i'm suing her for plagerism. i'm flattered (but mostly annoyed) that she wants to be me but i want to be me.

p.s. she so does not brush her teeth in the shower!

p.p.s. and she can't do the scarasm thing at all.

p.p.p.s. notice the slight on grape juice? gum on her pillow tonight. . .

since i'm not confrontational at all (i see that you're laughing. we'll talk about that later) i simply sent her a message that read:

"change it or die"

heavily medicated chapstick? really? has it really come to this?

2008-09-17T18:30:00.000-07:00

it seems like i'm getting more and more tired as the week progresses. that sucks. i don't have a day off until next friday. that's almost two weeks without a day off. brutal. i only work for 5 hours in the morning (unless it's a weekend in which case i work the whole day) but it's so physically demanding that 5 hours is more than enough to get me good and tired for the whole rest of the day. added on to the exhaustion i already feel. i hate manual labor.

i think i'm having adverse side effects from the new organic treatment i'm trying. my lips have never been so chapped in my entire life and i'm always always thirsty. i've drank gallons of water today and my throat still feels parched. and, new bonus, now i feel incredibly bloated. charming.

i've been really enjoying all this free time i've had to myself now that i'm sans boyfriend (or whatever he was ) and my friends have all decided to shun me because i've been anti-social. my mom bought a bunch of edited movies online that i've been watching with her. they're great movies like "love actually" and "shopgirl" but she hasn't really seemed to enjoy them very much. what's her deal? they're so amazing! maybe she's too old. . . ah, well. if she doesn't like them she gives them to me. can't really complain.

kyle and i took some cute pictures of us today. it was pretty fun. we like being goofy. he's such a hoot. i'm going to miss him when i move. he'll be a teenager next year which is weird to think about. he's been doing well at school (i assume or i probably would have heard otherwise) he's in the lifeskills program at my old elementary school. i had to pick him up for a doctor's appointment last week and the secretary recognized me. well, not really. she had a note from my mom saying that i would be picking him up. she actually didn't recognize me but she remembered me. she says that i've really changed. (i certainly hope so. she hasn't seen me since i was 11 years old) so silly.

ahhh, my lips hurt so bad!

my mind wanders. . .

2008-09-16T15:33:00.000-07:00

check out my name tag. it says animal caretaker under my name. animal caretaker? it should say ANIMAL UNDERTAKER.

i am so funny.

i make boys cry

2008-09-16T14:53:00.000-07:00

today is awful. absolutely awful.

charlotte is mad at me. not exactly sure why. i know i've been distant lately but to everyone not just her. i've been so tired lately that i haven't really made time for anyone. i've become this hermit that only comes out when made to feel incredibly guilty for not showing the appropriate energy and enthusiasm for someone my age. i really think i've aged prematurely. really. i've been so bad at calling her back. now she thinks i've decided not to come up to bellingham and that i don't have the guts to tell her so. are you kidding? the prospect of moving to bellingham is what's keeping me alive. literally. i don't know where she gets it. she's actually said some pretty hurtful things that i've tried to not get offended by. i've tried really hard. i really love charlotte. so much. i've tried to be there for her as much as i can. but i've got to admit. i'm pretty offended. i'm not flaky. i'm really not. or at least i don't try to be. i'm not fake. i really really really do want to move up there. and i'm definately not too scared to tell someone how i feel. i don't understand. i hate it when people make me feel guilty for things i haven't done.

to add insult to injury, this guy i've been kind of seeing was a total jerk today. he's younger than me. by a couple of years actually which is kind of embarassing. he's getting ready to leave on his mission. ha. i'm so old. anyway, he's been in the branch for the summer. we've hung out a bit. he really likes me. i've told him from the begining that i don't really like him the same way. i just like having fun. nothing serious for heather. i'm a total commitment phobe. he has been asking for more and more lately which is incredibly irritating. more affection, more kissing, more time with me. no, no and no. i like being independent. i like having time for myself. he wants to hang out everyday. no way. so, he gets pissed and askes me if i'm just using him. like i've been sneaking around and decieving him about my feelings. hello? didn't i say from the begining how i felt? i cut that imbelical cord right away.

apparently everyone thinks all these awful things about me. so depressing. i'm shallow and cruel and use guys for my own evil entertainment. lead them on and make them fall hard so that i can crush their dreams and laugh about it later. i'm flaky and fake and blow off my best friends because i'm too scared to tell them i'm not moving up to where they live. i'm apparently too busy and comfortable with my new friends in the tri-cities.

so hard to feel good about yourself when your friends think you're awful. so here i am. no guy and a friend who won't talk to me about this.

this is so stupid.

P.S.

2008-09-15T21:21:00.000-07:00

i love my kitty.

out of focus, out of whack

2008-09-15T18:18:00.000-07:00

it's very telling that i can really notice the difference between days i don't take my medication and days that i do. not anti-depressants. i haven't taken those for months. but days that i take adderall in the morning. it's like taking a small dose of speed. it really is. that sounds awful. i can just feel my mind racing with all these things i want to get done, things i'm thinking about, plans i'm making. i can feel incredibly productive but my body can't keep up. it doesn't get rid of the horrible exhaustion that i'm constantly taken over with but just keeps it at bay for a while. it's like a dose of very fake energy. it helps me focus but it doesn't really help the real problem. i'm always always always tired. i feel like i've been tired for years.
my mom and my grandma think i have the epstien barr virus so they've started me on this mixture of barley grass powder and cranberry juice and i'm taking parsley capsules several times a day. so, doctor's prescribed medicine hasn't done the trick. now we'll try the natural way. i don't really care what i take as long as i don't have to feel a hundred years old all the time. i could sleep forever.
it's so hard having a social life when i'm like this. i don't have any motivation to do anything or see anyone or go anywhere. people take it personally. i don't really understand that. i don't mean to be tired all time. i don't purposely run out of energy faster than an eighty year old woman. i'm sick. i must be. i've been exhausted EVERYDAY since i was 15. it doesn't matter if i sleep enough or too much or too little. i can't help it.
i hope it gets better.

even your emotions have an echo in so much space

2008-09-14T21:05:00.000-07:00

i've had a lot on my mind lately. especially since my mom spent a couple days in the hospital this past week. poor mommy. i got a message from my mom while i was a work on tuesday. it was hard to understand what she was saying because she was crying. all i could understand was "i'm at the hospital". i was so scared. my heart literally stopped for a beat or two. she's had cancer for a while and it was really scary at the begining not knowing if she'd make it out but that scary feeling kind of wears off as you try to make your life as normal as possible under the circumstances. that little message brought all the fear and worry back ten fold. i was driving home and sobbing. aching and sobbing. i don't want to loose my mommy. that's all i could think. it just hits you sometimes. that really big "what if" that turns your world upside down. makes you stop and take notice.
turns out she's okay. it was just a kidney infection. still scared me witless for a while. my mom is really truely my best friend. i tell her everything even if i don't really want to. i don't know what i'd do without her. honestly. she puts everything into perspective for me. she's one of those great ladies that everyone aspires to be. love her.
she's helped me come up with a plan to save money to move. so, hopefully i can move up to bellingham in a couple of months. life gets easier when you have a goal that doesn't feel so out of reach.
i can't wait to live up there! i love rain, i love trees, i love the ocean. it's near seattle and the canadian border. bonus. it's a little college town filled with hippies and liberals. it has great organic stores up there and i've really gotten into that lately. i want to buy a bike before i go up there so i can ride around town and save gas. i have my bike all picked out. bright orange, banana seat, white-wall tires and a basket up front. my mom's cousin mikey offered me a job at her bookstore. one of my best friends and lives up there with her husband. i want to go back to school. it's perfect!
i've been slacking really bad on watching what i eat and i let my friend charlotte borrow all of my weight watchers material. i've started drinking this barley grass powder mixed with cranberry juice that's supposed to give me more energy. i hope that'll make working out an attainable goal. i want to lose a couple pounds before i move. if i don't do it now i won't do it at all.
this means i'll have to throw away all the junk food in my closet. . .

never eating bbq again

2008-08-31T20:50:00.000-07:00

it's been a while. can't even remember all that's happened since i've written last. oh, i've gotten a new job. i'm working at the veterinary hospital on canal. it's pretty interesting. i personally think it says a lot about me, i can't have a normal job. i have to do the jobs no one else wants. anyway, i'm working back in the kennels which is pretty fun. cleaning up poopies, giving baths, doing x-rays, giving meds, DOING CREMATES, feeding, cleaning, lawn care. . . yeah, it's intense. i have to work in incinerator almost every day. a couple of weeks ago when it was around 105 degrees outside, the incinerator room was close to 120 degrees. i thought i was dying. anyway, it's quite a process. i put a frozen animal in the incinerator which runs for about 3 hours, when that's done the skeleton is still pretty intact so i have to scoop it all out into a bucket and crunch it down into smaller peices. then i run the small peices through a standard kitchen blender one fourth a cup at a time which takes absolutely forever. then i put all the ashes in an urn and seal it. wow, i can't believe i'm only getting paid a little over minimum wage. . .
this last wednesday was pretty interesting. i got to work and there was a 200 lbs mastif in the incinerator (HUGE DOG) and didn't really fit very well. i couldn't push him back very far. he ended up leaking grease and fat juices all over the floor and smoking up the whole back end of the building. when i say all over the floor i totally mean ALL OVER. there was a whole inch thick coating of grease all over the entire floor. it took me hours to clean it up. i have a strong stomach but i almost puked a couple of times. i must be desperate for money. . .

2008-07-08T20:32:00.000-07:00

leslie hall makes everything better

the smile that's cracking at the corners

2008-07-08T11:44:00.000-07:00

i've had a rough morning. it's been hard. i've been crying off and on again since i woke up. i'm upset about a million different things.
i've been hanging out with this guy for the past month or so and i'd come to really like him. sure, he tends to dominate conversation and talk about himself a lot but i'd hoped he'd run out of things to say sooner or later and i could get a word in now and again. it wasn't a dealbreaker or anything, just something he probably did when he was nervous. ha. i guess i've just been biding my time, waiting for him to notice that he is not the only person on the planet who is depressed, who is unhappy with their life, who wants something more, who is dealing with things they can't control. nope, mr. one-man-show is the only one so put upon and everyone should listen to his problems because no one else could be dealing with something as horrendous as getting rejected from their college of choice or feeling trapped in their hometown just dying to get out.
we never talked about me. never once did we talk about my worries or concerns. "heather, you're such a great listener. you're such a good friend." those words are like death coming from him. i don't think i could stroke his ego for another minute!
then why am i so upset? last night he told me that he got accepted at byui. good for him. he wants to leave in december. no big deal. then he says, "i can't wait to go because there is no way that i can have a relationship here with a girl from my hometown. i want to go to rexburg to first get out of this hellhole. second, to get married. third comes education." are you serious? so i'm not so mad that he doesn't think i'm datable (i've heard that one too many times before) or that i've spent so much time with him that now all the guys that i'd like to date think i'm off the market so i've haven't been asked out by anyone else. i'm more upset that he's ruined this image i had of him. i seriously thought that he was a divine possibility. whatever that is. what guy goes to college to get married?! so stupid.
and why am i not good enough? so i really do care about that. i'm not a good liar. i hate it when i let guys trample on my self esteem. i'm not horribly unattractive! so why do i have the hardest time finding guys to date?
now i just want to get out of here a.s.a.p.! then i'm immediately overwhelmed by the fact that i don't have any money. i'm horrible at saving. i'm horrible at following through with goals. i'm horrible at keeping any sort of motivation going. i just want to sink into the ground.
i feel like my life could be so much better but i'm not letting it. i owe my parents so much money for rent and other things that i just give up because the task at hand is too overwhelming. i'd be lucky to be out of here in six months. six months!! are you kidding?
i want to cry some more. i hate pretending i'm happy.

haircuts & dyes, weddings, and murders

2008-07-02T13:51:00.000-07:00

so i'm really good at neglecting things and blogging is no exception apparently. a lot has happened in the past two weeks that i haven't had the chance to think about let alone really take the time to write down. so if i can remember . . .
charlotte got married on june 21st. she wanted to have her reception at the rose garden but while we were getting her bridal pictures taken it started to rain ridiculously hard. we all got soaked! we had to move it the the church gym which she wasn't too happy about but i wouldn't have been either if it were me. it turned out really beautiful nevertheless because everyone pitched in to help. the reception was really fun. charlotte's back from her honeymoon to mt. rainier and from what i heard, she had a blast. good for her. i'll get super sappy for a moment and say that i love it when my friends are happy!
on june 24th my mom woke me up to tell me that all of her hair was falling out. my grandma and i took her to the salon to get it cut really short. i teased her a little bit and told her that since she was only going to have her hair for another week that she should put a bit chunk of pink in it. i told her i would do it with her. we even got my grandma in on it. we all had pink put in our hair. girly bonding time!
a woman murdered a pregnant lady in the park on sunday night and took her baby right out of her stomach and tried to tell people at the hospital that it was hers. i went to high school with the woman who did it. i had a class with her freshman year. it's awful. apparently the story has made national news. does washington state have the death penalty?
i ended up shaving my mom's head on tuesday night because she had huge bald patches. we both cried a little bit. my mom's a trooper. i think she's still the most beautiful woman i've ever seen.

so there's this boy. . .

2008-06-28T21:33:00.000-07:00

and i really like him.

i love capt'n crunch!

2008-06-16T20:34:00.000-07:00

i think i need a new phone. it keeps cutting out and hanging up. i just got off the phone with aynna. we talked for a while about everything, like we do. she's coming up this week for charlotte's wedding and i'm really excited.
i guess we're having a bachelorette party on thursday night. it should be great. i'm lucky and got thursday night off. bring on the male strippers! maybe not.
stephen is leaving for boot camp on sunday. is it wrong to be excited that he's leaving? he'll be gone for thirteen weeks (OF HEAVEN) this summer.
apparently my dog brought fleas into the house. everyone is being eaten alive but me. so finally living in the trailer has benefits. i got the air conditioning to work today. how glorious to be able to sleep in a steady 72 degrees when it's almost 90 degrees outside. my dad's not too happy that i'm using the AC but can he really expect me to live outside and be able to sleep when it's so hot? he wants me to be happy right? i told him that i'd be willing to pay a little extra every month to be able to use it. we'll see how it goes.

2008-06-15T20:42:00.000-07:00

i went to church today even though i was super tired. it made it a lot easier not to be nervous when i played the piano because i was so tired that i didn't care.
an old flame was there today. i was surprised to see him because i thought he was married. he wasn't wearing a ring on his left hand so he must be divorced. i didn't talk to him. i told my mom about it. she never liked this kid and immediately was judgmental like she always is when she is trying to be protective. she was generalizing and unfair in her judgments and it made me angry. i had to walk away.
it's not as if i'm interested in the guy but we dated 5 years ago. i'm sure he's not the person now that he was then. people change. my mom thinks that people who are divorced shouldn't be allowed in the singles branch because they are predators. ridiculous. maybe he went through something really tough. there's this other guy in the branch who was married to my friend's older sister and i don't really know what happened but they got divorced and now she's fallen away from the church. that must be hard on him and who's to say that he can't have another chance at finding love in the church? maybe this guy is just like him. she doesn't know so she shouldn't say. whatever happened to "take people where they are?"
i don't know. i know she's just thinking about my wellbeing but i just wish she could think objectively sometimes when it comes to stuff like this. i just don't like it when people make judgments on people without knowing the whole story or even then because it's not up to us to judge.
i know i've had my own struggles with this in the past but the past is past and i'm trying to be better. so, my mom and i disagree and i don't think she knows how upset i got about this whole thing but it's okay.
i'll take her where she is. :)

frank hart

2008-06-14T17:06:00.000-07:00

i woke up today and remembered that i have to play the piano in sacrament meeting. i hate playing the piano in front of people. i hate it when my friends play the friend card and guilt me into doing something that i really don't want to do.
one of my residents past away the other day. frank hart. it's sad. he was such a grumpy old man and i miss him. i haven't cried or anything and i kind of feel bad. things are a lot quieter at work now that he's gone. i don't know. i don't know how i feel.

arrest him for immaturity

2008-06-13T17:00:00.000-07:00

i'm really grumpy today. it must be the heat. i'm living outside practically and it's almost 90 degrees. i hate waking up all sweaty and hot. it's the worst. i sleep during the day too which sucks because that's when it's hotter. i have a fan but it doesn't do much.
stephen's home all day. he's too lame to get a job. he makes a game out of waking me up and irritating me like it's a joke. screw the heat, that's why i'm super grumpy. he locks the handle on the front door so i can't get in if i have to go to the bathroom. he's such a child. i wish waterboarding was still legal. . .

weekend with charlotte!

2008-06-12T16:37:00.000-07:00

my friend charlotte invited me to come up to bellingham for a visit last weekend. i had, by miracle, gotten the whole weekend off and was glad for an excuse to leave tri-town for a while. i had to work thursday night, got off at six in the morning, came home put kyle on the bus, packed up some things, picked up my paycheck, took my car to perfection tire to have the nail taken out of it (probably would have killed me over the pass), filled up on gas and goodies and headed out friday morning without any sleep. probably not my greatest idea. i drank a couple energy drinks on the way up and sang along to the beatles greatest hits to help keep myself awake.
after i got past ellensberg everything was just beautiful. i love seeing all of the trees around the highway and the slight drizzle of rain. up on the pass things got pretty wet, it was raining so hard i could barely see the lines on the road. i had a couple scares which helped keep me awake even more.
charlotte had given me directions that would bypass downtown seattle if i got on the 405 and headed toward everett. it seems like the second i took the 405 exit i had to pee like a racehorse. i didn't want to get off the highway because i wasn't sure if i could find my way back on. i thought it would be only another hour before i made it to charlotte's house so i decided to hold it. traffic started slowing down to a near halt. it took me half an hour to go two miles. i was dying. i hurt so bad that i started to cry. i finally found a taco bell on the side of the highway and used the bathroom. what a relief!!!
i got to charlotte's around four. it was so exciting to see her!! her fiance matt took us to dinner at some hamburger joint. the food was so good but i could hardly eat any of it because i had snacked the whole way up. charlotte ended up taking it home in a box to eat later. then matt, charlotte and i drove down to the bay and walked along the beach. we met lady with the cutest dog that talked forever. i think she was lonely. then we drove around and they showed me around bellingham. tons of hippies everywhere. i've decided i want to be a hippie. no joke. we rented a movie, "semi-pro" and took it back to charlotte's to watch. i fell asleep within the first ten minutes. i was so tired. i had been awake for thirty plus hours.
the next day, on saturday, charlotte and i decided that we wanted to go to canada to an amusement park in vancouver. i was super excited because i had never left the country before. i was fun driving through canada and making fun of all the canadian drivers. charlotte and i decided that we can't take any canadians seriously because they're canadian. (it makes sense to us) when we got into vancouver and to the amusement park, while we were looking for parking this little tiny asian woman knocked on my window and told us to follow her. she was going to charge us only five dollars for parking the whole day in her driveway. she took us down all these alleys and side-streets. she finally told us to park behind this little house a couple streets away. it was definitely interesting!

the amusement park was a lot of fun. we went on this wooden rollercoaster that went so fast that it made tears come to my eyes. there was a haunted house (which i hated because i hate being scared) where this girl who was supposed to be scaring us said "hey there, you pretty little girls. i bet you're not pretty on the inside" and it made me laugh hysterically. are you serious? anyway, there was a log ride that charlotte got pretty soaked on and a rollercoaster like the corkscrew at silverwood. we went on this ride called "the revelation" and i have never been so scared in my life. it's hard to describe. it was like the zipper at the fair without the cages. there was these two open benches on either end of this huge structure that would spin around super fast and the only thing holding you in was a contraption around your shoulders. eghhhh. still gives me the shivers. we both got an airbrush tattoo to remember our great day.
after the amusement park we went to white rock, bc. it was so incredibly beautiful. right on the beach. it reminded me a lot of the oregon coast just colder. we ate dinner at this place called "the boathouse" and it was great. we walked along the boardwalk stopping in some little shops and buying little canadian souveniers. i had to buy a sweater because i forgot to bring one and i was so cold. we got some icecream, which made us even colder and walked down to the end of the pier. i took some great pictures and charlotte found some purple starfish in the water that she was pretty excited about.
when we got back to her house matt came over to watch another movie. i think we had decided on "strange wilderness" but i can't remember because i immediately fell asleep again! i was pretty bummed because i had been wanting to see that movie for a while.
on sunday we decided to drive into seattle to check things out. charlotte had never been to the EMP museum so we checked that out. charlotte really wanted to do the "be your own band" exhibit so we decided to call ourselves "thunda down unda" after the male stripshow in vegas. there was a guy who worked at the museum that was pretty into us, he gave us each a couple guitar picks and chatted us up about his local band (who doesn't have a band in seattle?) anyway, it was pretty fun. we picked a song that didn't really have any instruments, just synthesizers but it was fun to dance around.
then we walked through downtown seattle and checked out the mall. we both bought a new wallet and a pair of sunglasses at nordstroms. we went down to pike's place market but it was already closed so we decided to have dinner at the cheesecake factory which was divine. we barely ate anything so save room for some cake but my one slice of cake was bigger than my face! we both had a couple bites but it was so rich we had to box it up and take it home.
i left for home on monday morning and made it back in time to get a couple hours of sleep before i had to go to work. i had a great time and i've decided that i'm going to move up to bellingham when my mom is better and hopefully go to school at the community college there. hurray!